She went from zero to smokin in five shots
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
please come you make the beer taste better
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
