She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
