i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Sorry my hands just texted you
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
