Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
a search helicopter?!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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