when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
