I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
