I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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