Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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