Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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