Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
