My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
