I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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