If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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