u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
