Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
