i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize