This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
