Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
