He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
