I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
