The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
