"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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