He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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