i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Randomize
