Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
