Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
