Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
