Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize
