I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Randomize
