We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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