after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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