i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
