Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
