My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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