Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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