So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
