I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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