Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
