I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
And then he peed in my hair
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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