Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
3pm strippers are depressing
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
