I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
