How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
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I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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