morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
