Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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