Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
