Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
