chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
