I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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