my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
