is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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