A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
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I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
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i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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