oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
