Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
