my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
