it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
