Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
